My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
