false alarm. still invincible.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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