I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
