i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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