fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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