Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
