You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
