I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
