the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
