My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
