My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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