I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
