He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
