You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
