can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
