He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Life is so much better after having sex.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
