Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
handjob tips. give me some.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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