I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
