I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
