Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
