Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
