thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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