This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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