I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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