Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
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Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman