if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.