normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
