I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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