So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
