the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
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I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
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I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower