She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.