it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry