I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.