he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
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Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
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She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that