I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
how does that bad decision feel?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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