ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
