I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
