I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
