So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
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They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.