i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...