I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"