break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?