Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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