I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
tonight lets celebrate not being married
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
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I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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