I wish I could teleport
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
