why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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