I wish I could teleport
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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