if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
