I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
