Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
