god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
