Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
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Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
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I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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