im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
