here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
