Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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