the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
