I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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