Define "chronic" masturbator.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
