What did we do last night that was yellow?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
