In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
