dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i think my tv is drunk
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
