my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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