So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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