my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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