Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
