When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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